The Recession's Blessings

This year of 2009 has been an interesting one for me. As 2008 was coming to a close, I could have sworn 09' was gonna be MY year. I was gonna shake up the world and ascend to heights that I had never seen! Well apparently life had a different plan for me. In fact, contrary to my sensationalized optimism for the new year, 2009 had a pretty cold ass-whooping waiting for me. Sorta like when your mom tells you she's gonna whoop your ass when yall get home after she receives the report that you had a bad day at school but she doesn't do it immediately. So a few hours pass and you're assuming she forgot and you're feeling all good like you got away as you proceed to hop in the shower around sunset thinking you're gonna hop out, have a good meal, and just relax. However, just as you're hopping out the shower, she busts through the door and beats your ass while it's still wet as the fusion of leather, cold water droplet and flesh stings like a thousand paper cuts sprinkled with alcohol...yeah it felt like that. Not to be intentionally esoteric but only black kids can identify with that kind of pain. If you're white just compare it to your dog dying... if you're Hispanic compare it to the dodgers having a horrible season (gotta love stereotypes).

I'm not exactly sure when it happened but at some point in my life I had evolved into a robot. I'd wake up and get freshened up, have a shady-ass breakfast because I was rushing, go to school from 9am to 2pm, eat lunch, go fold clothes (a.k.a work in retail) from 3pm to 10pm, come home and piece together a plate of what had been cooked for dinner (if anything was even left), wash dishes (whether I ate or not because that's how I pay rent in my household) and try to do homework while I was tired ass hell until I fell asleep and had to start all over again the next day. As songs like "This Can't Be Life" by Jay-Z and "Spaceship" by Kanye West blared from my speakers while I drove to and from "the triangle of despair," (a name I came up with to describe the three places my life seemed to revolve around...home, school and work) I began too ask myself questions like, "what am I good at that seems to come naturally?" and "what could I be content in pursuing if I was broke for a period of time while doing so?"

(By the way, don't be afraid to admit you have conversations with yourself because people claim you're crazy if you answer your own questions and all that other bull. If that's the case then I lost my mind a while back because now I'm at the point where I even noticeably giggle at my own jokes in my head. Me and myself have an amazing relationship that most people would be jealous of.)

In early 2008 after vowing to never work in retail again (I'm seriously scarred for life and have the utmost sympathy for retail associates) I stumbled upon an opportunity to work with a buzzing unsigned artist as his personal assistant/roadie. For the remainder of that year things were awesome! I was going to industry parties, I was having meetings with record label executives, and I was networking with A-list people...but like all good things, it came to an unexpected end in early 2009. So After being fired from my job and not receiving the fee-waiver I needed to afford school enrollment and the other associated fees...things began to look pretty grim. In retrospect, I can honestly say I went through a mild depression. Being unemployed and not in school, I'm sure you can understand that I was hardly a "catch" for the ladies."Excuse me miss, if you can just ignore the fact that I'm an unemployed college dropout, I'm really a great guy if you take the time to get to know me." How's that for a pick-up line? Not to mention I had to quickly get really good at bull-shitting my answers to that question every adult likes to ask young adults,"So how's school and work going?" I hate that damn question! It's actually really depressing because it makes you think "damn, is that all life is supposed to consist of right now?" Unfortunately, the reality is, if you don't consciously take the time to think about what else life has to offer, you can easily find yourself limiting your life to those two mundane aspects (I guess until you graduate... then it's just work). Ironically, it actually took me crashing and burning this year to realize that I wasn't happy with life's "generic path to success and fulfillment" and I needed to find the passion in my life that would help me create my own path to those same two destinations.

The month was April and 2 months of joblessness had passed after filling out my 567th online application to no avail...I had nothing but time and drool on my hands. As I began again to think of some sort of escape from my sad existence, I started to reflect on my childhood. I remembered that at a certain age my mom got tired of whooping me and would instead punish me by making me read books and write extensive, multiple paged book reports. Although I didn't understand it at the time, I was cultivating a very significant and essential skill that I would later learn to manipulate into something I loved. As I continued to reflect on my grade-school years I began remembering that English was the only subject I ever cared about and did exceptionally well in without much effort. It was starting to make sense. The very thing that I was looking for was already within me but I had been overlooking it because it was something I once associated with punishment and never realized that it could be used creatively in many different contexts. At last, (en)Lightning had struck my rod of passion and empowered me to produce (if you will). That was the moment I decided to be a songwriter, screenwriter and blogger. I began linking up with people I had networked with in the industry to build the foundation of my songwriting career, changed my major in school from Psychology to Film to build the foundation of my screenwriting career and lastly but certainly not least for the sake of you reading this, I began to blog. Since discovering my passion for writing, my reality and perspective has changed from that of another participant in the "corporate ladder climbing contest," to that of an individual who wants to positively contribute to the world one word at a time.

Much can be discovered in a time of lack. This year I've truly learned to appreciate meditation and reflection without self-distraction...something perhaps I would've never realized if I had not been forced to by circumstance. Sometimes we get too busy for our own good. We get so caught up in working for a decent paycheck just so we can go to school to graduate and get a slightly bigger paycheck that we don't take the time to realize what we want to live for. The most fascinating thing about this year, in heinsight, is that I've never been broker but I've never been happier. What's even more fulfilling is that when this eventually becomes lucrative for me, it's going to be icing on top of a cake that already tastes good without it. That's what I call success...being able to live off of what you live for. You should make sure you can say the same about your passion. Otherwise you're not living, you're just existing. For those of you who haven't found your passion yet, maybe you should try looking around rock bottom. Isn't the recession pushing you down there anyway?

For What It's Worth...

I apologize for my lack of consistency relating to this blog. Now I know what you're thinking..."Earth to Touche, you have TWO followers! Who's REALLY missing you?" First of all, screw you (lol) because there's probably more but they just have commitment issues and don't wanna openly display that they love me and would rather secretly follow me (0r you could just be right and I'm in denial). Second of all, I'm mostly apologizing to myself.

I've come to the realization that true writers (before their worth is validated by widespread recognition) tend to have insecurities when it comes to how significant and/or relevant their material is to their audience and sometimes it gets strong enough to the point that you begin to question "why am I spending time and energy doing this?" and "who even reads it or gives a damn?" As writers (and/or Gemini's like myself), our tendency to over-think and analyze things can be both our greatest strength and weakness. There are times when I think I sound too self-righteous as if I have life figured out and there are times that I feel that I look too deeply into things that are really a lot simpler. There are also times I feel like I should post more about pop culture, fashion, and my opinions on the lives of celebrities and not so much about "real life" and the lessons I've learned. Besides, who really takes life this seriously? Oh yea...I do.

Sometimes I forget that this isn't all about you guys but it's about ME too. It's a way for ME to purge myself of the things that I learn and experience (whether humorously or seriously) in hopes that you all can benefit from it by applying it to your life, relating to it because you've been there before, or just simply laughing at it because funny shit happens to me and I write about it in a way that you can place yourself in that moment in time. I'm learning to be comfortable in knowing that I can't please everyone (or even myself sometimes...no pun intended) but all I can do is be honest with myself and you guys and trust that real will recognize real and appreciate it.

Be Vulnerable...

One of the most crucial variables in being able to connect to the broadest range of people is your ability to allow yourself to become vulnerable to them while remaining secure. Although it's a lot easier said than done, learning to do so can also dramatically enhance your quality of life and the value of your contributions within it. Whether you're striving to be a great artist, a great friend/partner in a relationship, or just a significant human being in the lives of others, nothing touches people like "emotional nudity" (so to speak) simply because whether or not people possess the courage to acknowledge and express their true feelings, at the end of the day when the facade is over and people take off their "cool"... it's EVERYONE'S purest and most honest state of being.

The human experience is one of a wide spectrum of emotions. Some of which are shown freely (or "dressed" if you will) because societal norms have deemed them acceptable based on stereotypical factors such as age or gender. On the contrary, others are purposefully hidden by people because their exposure would leave them susceptible to critique and/or ridicule (i.e. crying is a "feminine" expression of emotion so boys are taught to suppress it). However, it's your ability to consistently remain poised in this state of vulnerability that allows you to rise above peoples attempts to debase you. A wise man once said, "If you're not being criticized it's probably because you aren't doing much." I couldn't agree more. Criticism to me, in it's non-constructive form, is merely a more polished and sophisticated form of jealousy in which people use the standard they themselves believe to be the objective measure of right vs. wrong or good vs. bad, to condemn something they personally disagree with or are incapable of doing themselves. Ironically this same form, if absorbed and processed with the proper perspective on the receiving end, can help elevate someone who is secure within their vulnerability to heights they would've otherwise never imagined.


Consider some of the great artist we know of. Both Van Gogh and Picasso are examples of phenomenal talents that have contributed some of the most celebrated and valued pieces of artwork in the world, even today. But what's perhaps even more amazing is the fact that during most of their lifetimes, the critics of that era considered their work valueless and insignificant. Now imagine for a second how different and possibly even trivial their work would be considered today if they had not remained vulnerable within their work and true to themselves and what they perceived as art and allowed those critics to reshape their approach towards art to fit the conventional mold of the time - would they be as distinguishable as they are now? Probably not. Even modern artist in his own right, Dave Chappelle has talked of being booed off stage early on in his career. Yet his commitment to being unafraid of the vulnerability that comes with being on stage while still maintaining the uniqueness he brought to his craft, has catapulted him into being one of the most successful comedians of our time with record breaking DVD sales of his hit show Chappelle Show. Kanye West is another example of a contemporary artist who's philosophies, behaviors, and creative strides in music, fashion and art have been heavily scrutinized. Yet his decision to remain vulnerable within his expressiveness and refusing to compromise his individuality has enabled him to transition from just another hip-hop artist with only so far to go, into an international pop icon/brand. Need I say more? I will though.

Think of everyone you've ever been close to or in love with. Now think of how you got from merely knowing them, to reaching that point. Regardless of the various details that chronicle the different stories that may apply to each individual relationship, the principal reason you reached that level of closeness is simple...you made yourself vulnerable to them. Whether it was trusting them with your innermost secrets, granting them access to your closest circle of friends and family, or sharing your body with them (a.k.a. having sex for those of you who like it raw...no pun intended), essentially the bond was created when you handed them the list containing all the "soft spots in your armor" and believed that instead of using it against you, they'd help you protect those spots (figuratively speaking). It's impossible to love someone wholeheartedly without you becoming vulnerable to them because that's the only way to build trust which is the foundation of ANY relationship. Although unfortunately vulnerability can cause some of the deepest pain you can ever feel and remaining emotionally guarded and aloof is the best way to avoid that, on the contrary, you'll never experience true companionship and intimacy without it. Love is a gamble...if you aren't willing to risk something, you might as well leave the casino with what you already have...the safety of loneliness and surface level relationships (I like speaking figuratively if you can't tell).

Personally, as a great artist, great friend, great lover, and a significant human being in the lives of others, I want vulnerability to be my staple. Most people may view that has the epitome of weakness but I view it as being my greatest strength. Just as fear produces focus when channeled properly, vulnerability produces confident assurance in the same manner. So give me your best shot...I'll be fine. Trust me.

No Gimmicks...

I recently received feedback that my page design was bland...I totally agree. The reason there aren't any bells and whistles here is because this is a "personal blog" and my emphasis is content. I feel like there are enough artists out there that have fancy "fan blogs" with all sorts of creative graphics (i.e Kanye's blog which is pretty dope by the way) if that's what you're looking for. For the purpose of this blog, I simply want to provide my audience with witty, insightful, and entertaining material that they will enjoy reading...plain and simple.

In the Meantime...

Life has key transitions. From infant to toddler to prepubescent to teenager to young adult and finally adulthood. Within the interim of those stages usually lies a range of befitting experiences that help to carry us to that next phase of life. Infants learn to become mobile and how to reason which carries them to the toddler stage. Toddlers begin interacting with their peers and becoming familiar with their genitalia which carries them to the prepubescent stage. Prepubescents go through puberty and become interested in the opposite sex (or the same to be politically correct) which carries them to the teenage stage (aside from them turning 13 for you smart-asses out there). Teenagers become obsessed with "the cool" and begin seeking their individuality which carries them into young adulthood...then it gets complicated.

Perhaps the most difficult transitional period we reach in our lives is the one between young adulthood and adulthood and this is primarily because of two main factors...LOVE and PURPOSE. The complexity between these two stages emerges when our desire to discover what "true love" is, combines with our desperate search for "our life's purpose" because of the stress we put on ourselves to want to find the answers to both simultaneously. The fact of the matter is, even separately, the answer to each can take a lifetime to figure out which makes stressing over the inability to find both at the same time even more absurd. Consider the energy they both require.

LOVE is a verb. More than just a word that's supposed to give you a tingly feeling on the inside, love requires you to take action. It encompasses affection, time, consideration, intimacy, romance, communication, compromise, creative energy, emotional energy and many other things that are physically and emotionally demanding. When you're in LOVE, it's almost as if your mood is dictated by the success of the relationship. When you and that person are doing great, life is great...but if things are going downhill, many other areas in life seem to slide down with it (i.e. social life, academic focus, and work ethic). Now follow me.

Purpose is spiritual. More than just a career that provides you with the financial stability to support a family, purpose is the reason you are here. It encompasses your passion, your ability to influence, your ability to impact those around you and many other things you realize as you experience life and discover what distinguishes you from everyone else in the world. When you're in pursuit of purpose, you're constantly soul-searching and trying new things in hopes of finding that thing you want to dedicate your life too. When you find that, you feel significant and you feel like you have something to live for...but after a while of searching to no avail, you start feeling like your life is on auto-pilot and you're merely existing rather than living.

So what's your point "Mr. Know-it-All?" (some of you may be asking). Well my point is this...

LOVE is life's ultimate compliment. However, when LOVE is taking more out of you than it's adding to you, you're probably better off putting that energy into self-discovery. I see so many of my peers try to FORCE relationships to work either because:

A) The length of time and the amount of energy they've invested.
B) Their families are intertwined and they don't want to explain what happened to everyone.
C) They don't feel like starting over.
D) They live together.
E) Any combination of those (I wish this would've been an option on the SAT 9 in grade school)

But at the end of the day, LOVE shouldn't bring more grief than joy. In this transition between young adulthood and adulthood, our purpose should take priority over LOVE in the event that the two can't remain balanced. This is not to say that it's impossible for LOVE and the pursuit of purpose to coexist within this period of our life, however, it's better to love life before we find LOVE than it is to live for LOVE before we find life.

A Moment of Truth #2

My tank was on E and I had $2 to my name. As if that isn't a tragic enough story in and of itself, I saw one of my home-girls (who happens to be a BLINDING socialite in the greater Los Angeles area) pulling up to the pump behind me. I had a problem. I thought to myself..."it only takes 10 seconds max to pump $2 worth of gas in my car so she's gonna notice how much of cheap bastard I am by how quick I'm done pumping and she's gonna tell everyone in LA!"

I couldn't let that happen.

With a decent amount of pep, I "ran-walked" (like when you have to pee real bad at high-profile event but you try to maintain your dignity) up to the cashier before she could get there with my 2 bucks tightly clinched and swiftly slid the money underneath the bulletproof glass (I was on Slauson by the way) as I softly whispered "two dollars on pump 9 please," just before she got close enough behind me to hear the embarrassing truth. After exchanging a few words with the young lady, I threw my shoulders back with the fakest sense of confidence I could muster up and walked back towards my vehicle with a stroll that said "topping off is a HABIT niggas!"

Understanding what needed to be done I opened that shutter, unscrewed that gas cap, smacked that "87" button, shoved that pump in and leaned my frontin' ass over as if to say, "it's gonna be a WHILE niggas." Seven seconds later when it was done, there I STILL remained, poised and steadfast in the continuous grip of a pump no longer working...I stood there for an entire minute until she left.


I had managed to save face (until now). Don't judge me.

The Cycle (hurt people...hurt people)

Everyone needs to have their heart broken...it's a blessing in disguise. Young love is the necessary "evil" that begins the development of your personal perception/definition of love and it establishes a point of reference for your future relationship experiences. However, what tends to happen is that instead of people taking that first experience in stride as a learning experience, they allow the pain of heartbreak to mold them into bitter, spiteful, jaded people that carry those feelings into their next relationships and don't give the new people the benefit of their doubts (Or they go on a casual sex spree and vow to play the field forever). Either way...the cycle begins.

What cycle you ask? I call it "The Cycle of Assholes and Bitches." Here's how it works. A "bitch" meets a nice innocent guy who's gullible and relationally inexperienced and expresses interest in him which he then interprets as a valid mutual attraction and begins to put effort into getting to know her. Little does he know that as a result of her past experience with an "asshole" before she "crossed-over," she's already gave up on the idea that men can be taken seriously so she's only talking to him for superficial and/or selfish reasons because he probably has something she can exploit for her personal gain and only plans to use him as a temporary pass-time. Meanwhile, after the poor guy does all he can to show his feelings towards her and places her on a pedestal because she makes him feel good, she suddenly leaves him for an another "asshole" either because:

A) He's better looking
B) He's more rough around the edges (because that's what's hot)
C) He has something she considers more valuable
D) The innocent guy is just "too good" (yes this is a real term) and she's getting bored because nothing is going wrong. Or...
E) All the above

This breaks the innocent guys heart because he doesn't understand where he went wrong and WALLAH...a new "asshole" is born and his wrath is imminent.

After "crossing-over" the worlds newest "asshole" begins seeking his first victim. He always finds her. She's a nice innocent girl who's gullible and relationally inexperienced and believes he expressed interest in her because she was "different" and she was more than just a trophy girl...she was a "diamond in the ruff!" Feeling exceptional, she allows his charm and flattery to persuade her to believe that he's worth putting effort into getting to know. But little does she know that as a result of his past of his past experience with a "bitch," he's already given up on the idea that women can be taken seriously so he's only talking to her because he wants to use her as arm candy at social events and have sex with her on-demand (like that cool cable feature you have to pay extra for). Meanwhile, after proudly strutting around on his arm and giving him all the sex his heart desires because she believes that he's "in love" with her, he suddenly gives her "the exit strategy speech" and quickly begins talking to another "bitch" either because:

A) She looks better
B) She has a better body
C) He wants some new sex
D) She's getting clingy
E) Both C and D

This breaks the innocent girls heart because she doesn't understand where she went wrong and WALLAH...a new "bitch" is born and her wrath is imminent.

And the cycle continues. forever.

Glossary of "Bolded Words and Phrases" (In the order read)

• "Evil" - Good
• "The Cycle of Assholes and Bitches" - A pandemic that exponentially increases the production of assholes and bitches.
• "Bitch" - A malicious female
  
• "Asshole" - A malicious male
• "Crossing-Over" - The process of being transformed into an asshole or a bitch.
• "Too Good" - The idea that human beings are naturally inclined towards vice, drama and contention so when they meet someone who is too easy going and agrees with them too much...they view them as boring.
  
• "Different" - The same
• "Diamond in the Ruff" - A woman with a really nice body
• "In Love" - In lust
  
• "The Exit Strategy Speech" - A speech one gives that is filled with fluffy bullshit that is given in order to get out of a relationship with someone you're simply tired of so one doesn't look as much like the asshole or bitch that they really are.
  

* DISCLAIMER - These definitions were created to fit the context of this posting. In real life..."evil" does not mean "good." Thank you.